Numb
by ChoppedLeeks
Summary: "We need each other, no matter if we don't like to admit it. I will be the buoy for my hikari to cling to when he's drowning in the horrors of being... human." Basically, this is Mariku contemplating his existence with Malik. Slightest bit of Bronzeshipping, if you squint.


**Author's****Note:**

Chopped: So, I was feeling some Mariku feels while listening to the song "Can't I Even Dream?", and this was the result.

Mariku: Did somebody say... Mariku feels? :3

Bakura: What exactly is 'Mariku feels', anyway? The only two emotions that he experiences are "FUCK ME, MALIK!", and "I'm hungry."

Malik: Or "Oh, it just seems like a great idea to ride the Winged Dragon of Ra to Target, killing everyone on our block in the process!"

Mariku: You still on about that?

Leeks: Ahem. Story.

RIGHT! ONWARD, TO SOME... Mariku feels?

**Disclaimer**: We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. All characters belong to Kazuki Takahashi.

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**Numb**

**(Mariku POV) **

3 years. 2 months. 27 days.

That's how long I've been stuck in here. That's how long I've been trapped in Hell. Oh, they call it the Shadow Realm nowadays, don't they? Well, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. This is Hell, every meaning of the word. I've been chained up in here for years now. Yes, chained up. As if being here isn't bad enough, they just _had_ to cuff me and gag me, didn't they? The skin of my wrists has been scraped down to the bone by now; the same goes for my ankles. Even the simple task of breathing has become a struggle. But I've learned that resistance is futile. So I've just sat here. Staring at nothing.

It's not a necessarily _bad_ experience, to be honest. I've gotten some major thinking done. I've contemplated my existence, my hikari's existence, my purpose in this god-forsaken universe, things like that...

But lately, one thought has been going through my head...

They have always called me the yami. The dark side. The evil side.

But is that really what I am?

It angers me beyond recognition that people assume my hikari to be pure and just _oh so innocent_. It's amazing how narrow-minded people can be, how gullible and foolish they all are.

Do they not see? Are they all blind?

Of course they are, what am I saying? They take one look at me and immediately make assumptions. _I'm_ the sadistic, cold-hearted freak, aren't I? Heh, at times, maybe.

But if anyone here is the _evil_ one, it's my hikari.

Why, you ask? Oh, I'll tell you why.

He stole something from me. Something so valuable, so vital to my existence, something I hold so dearly that he might as well have just ripped out my very heart. It would have been less devastating, anyway.

What am I talking about, eh? Well, to be completely honest, it sounds quite silly.

He stole my emotions.

Yes, yes. Laugh all you want. But it's not going to change the fact that he did it. He stole it the second I was created; he never even gave me a chance.

It sounds impossible, doesn't it? Well, now that I think about it... it might not be possible. Maybe I was never born with emotions. Then again, that's not very likely, either.

So, if it's so impossible, then how come I have never smiled, laughed, cried? Maybe I'm just a very mundane person. No, that can't be it...

I'm positive that he stole my emotions. I'm sure of it. He wanted them all to himself... that greedy little bastard...

He created me, yes, but what for? Did he need a friend? A punching bag? A pet?

No, I think it was more of a need for comfort. A blanket to wrap around himself, to keep him warm and safe. But blankets don't require feelings, right? So that's where I come to the crossroads.

Was I created a baby, so full of emotion and life and potential, only to have it all taken away? Or... did I have no emotions in the first place?

See, that would make my hikari look like less of the bad guy here, now wouldn't it? I guess so. But... I still can't help but think of how awful it is to have a heart and soul so similar to a void... so cold and lifeless. People always talk about the pain of being robbed of your innocence. Well, I... I never had any innocence to begin with. I was created a demon. An abomination. A stain. It's awful, is it not? Are you starting to get the picture? Giving me no emotion is no less cruel than robbing me of them.

Because... I'm left with all these dreams.

I dream of one day being able to feel tears stinging in my eyes as they cascade down my cheeks in a feeling of devastating melancholy. I dream of one day being able to feel the heat of a fit of rage as I slam my fist into a drywall in intense fury. I dream of one day being able to feel a smile tug at the corners of my lips as I am overwhelmed with wondrous joy. And... I dream of one day feeling my heart throb in my chest as I lie my head on the shoulder of my lover.

They are nice fantasies... but that's all they are.

Unattainable goals and wishes.

And so I think to myself about how my hikari has experienced all of these things, and how lucky he truly is. I've heard him sob, I've heard him scream, and I've heard him laugh. I've watched as he experienced a whole vast range of emotions, and so the question that goes through my head is...

Which would I prefer?

Would I rather be numb to every feeling that the world has to offer, feel as if my entire existence is just an empty void... or would I rather feel the burning sting of a cut in my skin, cry out desperately as I am abandoned by the ones I love most, experience the deep hatred of the ones I want to see perish? All the things that my hikari has dealt with in _his_ lifetime?

I don't really prefer either, to be honest. But now I realize... I'm content with how I am. Because I realize that my hikari needs me to be strong for him, for us. And I know I can, because I don't have those foolish emotions holding me back.

They can call me anything they want, but I have learned that neither my hikari nor I am evil. We are not yin and yang. We are more like two sides of the same coin.

And we need each other, no matter if we don't like to admit it.

I will be the buoy for my hikari to cling to when he's drowning in the horrors of being... human.

Human? That's just not what I am. I am, simply put, _not human_. But I'm okay with that, because that's how my hikari made me. He created me to be an object. And even if one day he tosses me aside, like a child who has grown bored of a toy, I will be okay with that, too. Because I won't feel the pain of rejection.

That's just how I am. Lifeless. Numb.

He created me to be numb... and I feel content with that bit of knowledge, it's easier this way. I've accepted it.

But… at least I will still have my dreams.

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**End Note:**

Chopped: I'm too lazy to type anything else.

Leeks: Read and review! ^-^


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